In case you haven't figured out by now, I love to bake and cook. The whole process just calms me down. When I am angry or sad or anxious I just bake. When I need to pray and work through something, I do it best when I am baking or cooking. The only problem I have is the anticipation of waiting until it is done! I don't know any cook who can wait to taste the food. Paula Deen has a saying about that and it's hilarious!
On January 3, 1998 I married my husband. We only dated 3 months before we were married. We dated a month and I got my engagement ring. I know, it sounds crazy and it has been hard but it is by far the best thing that I have ever done.Never a regret.
I had been through so much pain in past relationships. We were very young and people could not believe that we knew what we were doing. But, we knew what we wanted. I had been through hell and Charlie was heaven.
Well, we got married and I immediately got pregnant. I had a miscarriage. This cycle repeated itself for the next 4 years. I had so much pain inside and all I wanted to do was to be a mama. There was a lot of anger and questioning the Lord. I was angry at God and angry most of all at myself. Our marriage suffered terribly. That is how I know that we have true love, until you go through something so terrible, you don't realize how good you have it. My husband held up his vows, he was there in sickness and in pain, and literally in death, time and time again. Losing my children is the most terrible pain that I have ever known. But, all of this was in God's plan for our life together. Hanging on to the Lord is what got me through and knowing that he had a plan for my life.
We considered (seriously) adoption and we still do. We were on the verge of seriously looking into it when I became pregnant again(after 3 years of not even being able to conceive). Claire was detected extremely early by the grace of God. I should not have even been able to conceive her, my horomone levels were so low. I not only got pregnant, but carried her and delivered a healthy baby girl in Feb. 2005. After 7 years of struggling to have a baby, I had my beautiful baby girl.
We began talking about having another one shortly after Claire was born, although we were not even sure I could get pregnant again or carry another baby to term. However, we wanted to try but wait until Claire was about 2 years old before we started trying. God laughed at us and we became pregnant with Lily when Claire was 18 months old.
Lily's birth was a miracle in itself. I became diagnosed with gallbladder and pancreatitis/jaundice complications the weekend I found out that I was pregnant. I was put into the hospital immediately. I was in there for a week until the pancreatitis and jaundice cleared up. I had to wait until I was 4 months pregnant before they could do surgery(due to birth defects). That is the sickest I have ever been in my life and I had a 2 year old to take care of (no rest). We both came through the surgery just fine and Lily was born healthy and normal in May 2007.
So, as you can see I have a lot to praise God for. I have two beautiful baby girls. I am a mommy. I waited so long to be able to say those words and if you are waiting I know the pain. I know how empty and alone you feel. I know the discouragement. That is what Satan wants us to feel. But, the Lord is with you.. Let him give you strength. Lean on Him. Rest in Him. And I will be praying for you as I do every day for those who cannot or have not yet for some reason been able to have children. I cannot guarantee that you will have children, only God can do that. I do know that God has plans and reasons and they are not our own. I know that God will give you peace when and if you ever come to that point. I know what a struggle it is to come to that point and to let Him have your pain.
Maybe this helped someone today. I just felt like I needed to write it. Love you all.