*edited to say: I know that people love me, that friends and family love me. Deep down I know that. This is just the battle that I fight every day with myself. Not anything that anyone has or hasn't done!
Charlie and I went to see Fireproof on Sunday night. It was, as I already said, in a word, AWESOME!!! It has been life changing for us! I am seeing things in my husband that I have prayed for and now they are coming true! Last night was a very huge moment for us. Charlie took me down on the floor with him on our knees and he prayed over us. :) I cannot stop crying today. Just tears of absolute joy everytime I think of my precious husband and how he is trying so hard to be the husband/father he is called to be, how his heart is so tender towards me now and most important, He is walking with Christ every step of the way! :)
We are going through some major things right now and I am not afraid. Charlie is standing up and taking control and I am SO proud of my husband! However, the problem is with me.
Satan is atttacking me; big time. I have a major self pity thing going on. I am not able to focus so well when I am in prayer. I just feel like I need to sleep and have no urge to take care of my family or my home. Sounds bad, huh? But, I have to admit it. I must get this out so that Satan has NO power over my mind. I have learned exactly what to do to make him go away! ;)
I am just in a major funk. I feel like no one cares about me and I have been trying to reach out to others but feel rejected. I hate that feeling and it makes me start questioning myself. It makes me feel horrible because I feel not worthy of friendship or of anything good in my life. I hate this about me, that I let my mind control me so many times.
My parenting has definitely suffered. I am very easily angered and struggling to stay calm and let the little things just go. Lily is a little screamer when she doesn't get her way and listening to this ALL. DAY. LONG. is driving me insane! Claire is going through a thing where she hates to wear pants (of any kind) , her seat belt, etc. and throws a screaming fit when she has too. Which, you know, is any time we go anywhere at all. Drew is doing pretty good but I can't give him the attention he needs because I have spent most of my day today defusing temper tantrums and wondering if I am losing my mind?!
And, I have surgery scheduled for Tuesday morning. I am always worried when I have surgery. And this is a very hard and sad day for me. Without going into our reasons or our decision, I will not be able to have more children. We know that this is the right decison but we are very sad. My life is my husband and my children. That's all I know and I love every second of it. I really believe that my conflicting feelings are the source of a lot of this mess I am going through this week. Please pray for us.
Anyway, I just felt like I had to get this said. I know that I have not been walking around with my "full armour of God" as my protection against Satan's attacks. I must stay in the word, that is why I am starting the memory verse. I must focus on what my family thinks of me and their needs from me as a wife and mother. I HAVE to get to that point where I no longer worry about what people (even family) think of me. I have to stop letting other people's opinions of me control me. I KNOW WHO I AM. I KNOW I AM WORTHY. I KNOW I AM CALLED TO BE CHARLIE'S WIFE AND CLAIRE, LILY & DREW'S MAMA. THE LORD IS MY HEAVENLY FATHER AND HE LOVES ME.
and that's all I need to know.
In love with Jesus. Wife to my best friend & man I love more than life. Mama to 4 amazing God given blessings. Proud Homemaker & Homeschooler. Living life with it's ups and downs and blogging about it!